late night thoughts

Hey there,

lately I've been trying to get a diagnosis for my ADHD because it impacts my live a lot. During the sessions with the psychotherapist, I have to unbury a lot from my past that hurt a lot thinking about them. I didn't had a good childhood and if it weren't for my little brother, I might not be alive today, though maybe I wouldn't had gotten through with anything anyways, I was to afraid to die. I am very glad that I'm still alive though, I have a really amazing life currently. I'm still trying to process things that happened last year but I will eventually get there. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I feel fully loved, protected and accepted by him, I've never felt that way with anyone, I would go so far to say, that he will be the man that I will marry. This is the first time I ever had a healthy relationship and I love him so so much.

It's currently 4am and I can't fall asleep again, because I'm thinking to much, so I wanted to write it down. I will just collect my negative thoughts here, memories that I can't forget, but are too painful to think about constantly, so I apologize in advance that stuff is out of order and I will divide the memories as best as I can.

My mother smoked 5 to 10 cigarettes per day during her pregnancy with me, even when breastfeeding me, I think she actually stopped during my two brother's pregnancy, even though I was the only planned child, so much to that. Well you have to know that I'm the middle child, folks, say being the middle child of three is the hardest, in this case it's very much true unfortunately. 

My mother physically hurt me from age 2 to 10, she hurt the others too, but not as much and not as long. My father only hurt me once fortunately, but he scared me with his belt, he used to make a loud sound with his belt to threaten me out of fun, he always said "Do you want to taste my belt?", I don't remember if he ever did that outside of a "joke", but he never hurt me with a belt. He only hurt me once, he hit me pretty hard in my face with his open hand, my eye was red afterwards. You might be wondering why he hit me, I was just coming home after afternoon school sport and I was pretty exhausted, my father wanted me to bring full beverage crates with glass bottles into the house and I refused because I was so exhausted, that's when he hit me. He never apologized and I don't even think he regretted it at any point. He actually hit me once by accident too, I tried to enter a door (it was made out of wood and thick stained glass, so it was pretty heavy and you couldn't see through btw), he was on the other side and opened it pretty forcefully, he managed to hit me at my shoulder with the door, nothing was broken but it still hurt a lot. He didn't apologize, he even blamed me for that while I cried out of pain he roughly said "Why do you even stand in the way?" and left.

My parents rarely believed me when I was sick or hurt, mental pain didn't exist for them and if I had anything, they only believed me when I had evidence. If I had a cold: "You don't have fever, you go to school.", if I had nausea: "Did you had to puke, yes? Well I haven't seen it." I walked down the stairs inside the house when my ankle bent, I fell down which wasn't even really painful, but my ankle sprained and I could barely walk at all. I limped to my father because my mother wasn't there at that moment, and told him what happened, he couldn't drive me to a doctor because he was intoxicated and hanging out with his employees, but he didn't want to drive me there anyway. The next day both of my parents didn't care and they never got me to a doctor. I limped for roughly 2 weeks and still had to walk to school or ride my bike, I don't remember if I had a bike back then. I still had pain in my ankle for years, because it wasn't treated. You have to remember that I live in Germany, we have statutory health insurance there, going to a doctor doesn't cost you anything, only in some cases, but this was definitely no such case, you don't pay for emergencies or accidents. So money wasn't the reason they didn't get me to a doctor, they also both had cars btw, they were just lazy or didn't believe me. My parents both work at home, my father has his own company and his workplace was right next to the house, my mother works for him part time at the office in their house, so at least my mother could have driven me in the afternoon when she wasn't at work. My mother is an esotericist, but she still refused to believe me when she didn't see physical evidence that I'm in pain or sick and limping did not count to evidence, I could have played that. Honestly, I only lied to her about me being sick once and that was when I was in 10th grade, so she didn't had any reason to think that I pretended anything before that.

Well that was my quick rant so I could collect a few thought. Let's see if I can sleep now, thanks for reading, have a great day or night.