finally brave enough

Hey there,

well, stuff happened again, a lot of stuff in fact. My gut feeling was actually right, me and my ex did end up together again, but why am I still calling him my ex then? Well...

Roughly a month after he broke up with me, we got back together seemingly by coincidence. My mother wanted to visit him at the psychiatry (I don't know why though), but he insisted to come to her instead, yeah right, where I live too. He messaged me asking if it was okay for me and since he lived there, I said yes. On the day where he wanted to visit, he asked me if it's fine if he would arrive sooner, which I didn't care about, because he only wanted to visit my mother anyways, I didn't even know why he would even ask me. So, he arrived and walked straight to my room and knocked at my door, he didn't even took a glance at my mother. He then asked me what we could do together, I was confused of course, but I suggested that we could go on a walk. Since my mother was busy cleaning, we went alone, yes, me and him alone. We talked a lot about deep topics and when we got home, we were still alone. Well one thing let to another and we kissed, I guess we are back together now.

Time has passed, I visited him at the psychiatry and we spent weekends together even going to an amusement park. Then he texted me telling me that he is getting released from the psychiatry (he was there over 4 months), but he wanted to move in with his parents (they live 2.5 hours away by car) to be at a safe place (my mother is constantly causing fights with everyone), I accepted this, but thought we would at least spend a few nights together. But no, he moved away right when he got released, so I got on a call with him and he told me that he was 90% sure that he wants to break up with me again. I was hurt, I was shattered, again? He suggested a break, so he could see if or how much he would miss me before he makes a decision. He visited me to get his stuff literally one day before our 5th anniversary... I was constantly crying that day and had severe panic attacks, because he was so cold to me, only talking to me when he wanted to know what belongs to who. He didn't ask about me, didn't care about me when I broke down in tears. My big brother noticed and asked what's wrong, he didn't knew what was happening, he hugged me and comforted me and my boyfriend just walked past us while I was sobbing. I then had to go to my room, because I couldn't handle it anymore, that's when I got the panic attacks, I hyperventilated and it was hard to breathe, I was just hoping he would hug me, but no. I later gave him a farewell gift. It was a little Blahaj plushy that I made myself, which was meant to be his comfort plushy when his bad thoughts would come back, because I got to keep our real Blahaj plushy and knowing how much he loved our Blahaj, i decided to hand saw him one. He then left without even saying goodbye.

I don't know how long it took until one of us broke the no contact rule, but it happend within a week I think. Well he told me he was in psychiatry, because he tried to kill himself again and that the only reason he moved away from me and told me that he wants to break up again, was because he didn't wanted me to be so sad if he would have succeeded. He did get out of psychiatry again pretty soon and he told me he was doing better (I hope he didn't lie that time, because he is still saying he's okay). 

We met almost each week, but I noticed that he was emotionally distant, he would often say no when I asked if we could meet, he wouldn't message me as much, only about his app that he developed or our Minecraft server, stuff like that. He didn't showed much interest in me personally. So I talked with him about it, this is when he once again showed his true face. I just asked him to show more interest in me, like checking on me, which is not a luxury to ask for, it's one of the bases of a relationship. He then said to me in person "You are not important to me, it wouldn't bother me if you died." What the fuck... I began crying as that hurt like hell, but he didn't even apologize. I wouldn't even say that to my enemy if I had one... We weren't even fighting.

A few weeks had passed and he still didn't show much interest in me and I waited for him to initiate a meet up or even a call, anything. Then new years eve came up and what he said those few weeks ago hurt me more and more, to the point were I didn't wanted to drive to him for new years and he didn't want to drive to me either as he already drove to me the last few times. I was just so fucking hurt. After new years, we texted a little bit the day after and then 4 days of silence. I wanted him to message me or visit me, because he didn't show any feelings towards me at that point and I deserved to get something back and not give most of the time. 

So at 5th January 2026 I messaged him, asking him if we could talk about something in 40 minutes, he read it after 9 minutes but didn't write anything back, I waited for hours, but nothing. I was furious, this was disrespectful, it would have been fine if he haven't read the text or if he would have texted me "I'm sorry, I can't right now." or anything, but I got nothing. I was angry but I was also worried that he would plan something again, so I messaged his mother, asking her if he is okay and she told him to text me. He was alright, he wasn't planning anything and I was relieved but of course very angry. He texted me that he haven't seen my message (yeah of course and the blue tick came out of nowhere) and that he repaired something on his car or something. He asked me if he needs to be afraid of the call and then we called. I told him about what he had said to me a few weeks ago (You are not important to me, it wouldn't bother me if you died.) and that it hurt me and he didn't even remember. Instead of saying that he is sorry, he replied with "Why didn't you told me right away how much it hurt you?" (I was literally crying immediately, wasn't it obvious? And besides that, it would hurt anyone even if they wouldn't cry right away.), "It's in the past, I can't change it.", "That's just how I was in that moment.", "Why should I say I'm sorry, it won't change anything." like what the actual fuck... He wasn't even sorry, he just said "Of course it's not okay to do something like that." but I only got a really forced sorry and those shitty excuses and that was it. I lost it, I got furious and we started fighting and we both said in anger that we want to end the relationship now, but he then suggested deciding in two weeks, when we are calmer. And of course he wanted a break to see if or how much he would miss me. I stupidly agreed on the 2 weeks break and we then got calm and had small talk. 

Well, the next day, I asked him if we could have a call again, since the conversation of yesterday didn't exactly went smoothly. I told him that I don't want to fight, just talk. In the call I calmly asked him, if he would ready to work with me on our relationship and his answer was no, so I told him that I want to end the relationship now, I didn't want to wait those 2 weeks as it wouldn't change anything, 2 weeks isn't enough to miss someone and even if it was, missing someone doesn't mean that you are ready to work on the problems. His response to me when I broke up with him was "I guess I made the Minecraft server for nothing after all." Wow, over 5 years and that's the response. It was so hard for me to break up, but the relationship broke me more and more each day, I just couldn't do it anymore. I already endured so fucking much, he didn't face any consequences on any of his actions, this whole year was torture for me. I excused all of this shit with his mental health. It was hard and it took so much for me to end it and of course I cried while doing it, but I am done getting emotionally abused. I wished him well, thanked him calmly for the relationship and ended the call. He responded with "You too." He even asked me if we would be friends or not and I told him "No, a friendship needs both people working on it too, like a relationship."

One hour after I broke up with him, he sent me 5 messaged asking about our streaming accounts, our wikijs and shit like that, because he didn't wanted those accounts to just lay there (on his server). Like what the fuck is wrong with him? I just did the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life and he couldn't even let me catch a fucking break. I answered that I need at least a few days room, before we clear up organizational stuff (which wasn't even in a hurry at all, it wouldn't make any difference if we would talk about it in a few months). He replied with "No stress." and 7 fucking minutes later he sent another message "Take as long as you need." Why? The first message was more than enough, the second message was literally disrespecting my wish to get some room. Seriously how the fuck can anyone be so insensitive to anyone.

I felt sad after I broke up with him, but I also felt relieved, like the weight finally lifted off my chest. While in the relationship I ate more (I am overweight and trying to loose weight) and bought stuff (I am addicted to buying) and that just showed how bad it had gotten. My mental health suffered, but now I feel free, as cruel as it might sound. I don't regret my decision at all and I am proud of myself that I finally broke up with him. Of course we had a lot of great years too, but the last year was just to much for me. 

I truly wish him the best and that he finds his happiness. Our relationship was the best time of my life, but also the worst to be honest... I really don't think he is a bad person, even if he treated me like shit on the last year, I just think he lost his way and I hope he will be able to find it again. Please don't go and harass him.

Thank you for reading and as always I hope you will have an amazing day or night!