still healing

Hello there! ^•⩊•^ ⍝ 

First of all, I am back home since Monday. It was my wish to leave but the doctors were fine with it. I am doing good mentally, but something is bugging me. I haven't texted, called or talked with my ex since 7 days, the last time I interacted with him was at the day were I had the long talk with him. But of course it only lasted 7 days until one of us messaged the other, but this time it wasn't me, I know I am also surprised. At this point I am just trying to move on from the breakup, trying to be a better person for myself and just taking care of myself, but 2 days ago, he messaged me. Well he first sent a message to my family's group chat (we both still live with at my parents house), he just told us that he had lost some stuff and if he gets a letter because of it, we should let him know. Okay, just a neutral message about lost things, I didn't mind. But a few hours later he messaged me privately that he also dropped his phone into water, so he wasn't available via his phone, he told me he would check his PC and he will let me know when he is available again. Why? He also wrote that in a positive tone, not a neutral tone, he made a joke and wrote like the breakup didn't happen. First of all, why does he message me directly? He could have just wrote that into the group chat like the other message, it would have been important to know for the others too, especially if he wants us to let him know if he gets a letter. And secondly, why did he tell me privately that he wasn't available, but that he would check his PC for messages. And why did he wanted to let me know when he is available again? He actually told me today that he is available again. But why should I even care? I told him that I won't have contact with him again and he told me multiple times after the breakup that the contact with me is bad for him, so why are you contacting me then? Seriously, he chose to breakup with me, he told me that our contact is bad for him, so why do you do this now? I never chose to live my life without him, but now that I don't have another choice I choose to move on. But him messaging me privately makes it much more difficult to move on. What the heck is his goal there? He chose to break up, then act like it or tell me clearly what you want. I feel like I am attached to a rope and I just want to move forward, away from him, but whenever he messages me, he pulls slightly on the rope, making sure that I can't move forward. So please, either pull me to you or let go of the rope. Maybe I am reading to much into his messages, but it feels like he doesn't know what he wants, it feel like he wants me back into his life, but doesn't want the responsibility of a relationship. That message was not neutral at all, I can tell you that much. I deserve to know what he wants from me and if he can't even tell himself, than just let me go, let me live my life, let me move on. I will ask him what his intentions with this are if he messages me further. I reacted with a thumbs up at the first message and replied "okay" at the second message, completely neutral and no emotions at all. I am just done with this shit, either tell me that you want me back and we try to figure it all out or just let me go please. I know that we will see each other at one point, I mean he is still living here, but in psychiatry currently. But now that we have space from each other, and I am really giving us our space, he still messages me? Why breaking up with me if you aren't 100% sure that you don't want me in your life anymore? Or am I reading to much into this again? Maybe it was just an impulse, but I also have impulses and I am controlling them right now. We never had a time were we didn't talk, message or call more than a day maybe when we were together, so I understand that it must be difficult for him too, but this insecurity of him makes me insecure too. I literally have physical symptoms from all the stress he is causing me. By the way, this is really personal, but I don't care to share it, 2 days ago where he messaged me (it was Wednesday by the way), I cared for myself if you know what I mean, I haven't done that since the breakup, I missed him so much at that moment and I imagined him with me, honestly it made me go off like a bomb, it felt sooo good! But when I did that, he messaged me (I haven't noticed though until I was done), I remind you, I didn't had any contact with him for 6 days at that time, his last message was from 5 days ago, so what kind of coincidence was that? I don't believe in that stuff, so I don't think he "felt" that I thought so much about him at that moment, but wow, what a crazy coincidence. And also on the same day earlier I actually created a new tinder account (my ex and I met over tinder, that's how we got into the relationship), so maybe he saw me on tinder and messaged me because of that? I really don't know. I made a new account, but I am not searching for a new partner right now, I think. It wouldn't be fair for the other person if I still have feelings for my ex, I would probably subconsciously compare my new partner with my ex and that would only hurt both of us. I don't want to replace my ex, I want to create a new relationship, with him or with someone new, I don't care, of course I would rather have my ex back right now, but only because I still have feelings for him. This whole situation confuses me, it makes my stomach crazy and I just want peace. If you don't want me then leave me alone please. Just let me live my life. Maybe his messages are a way to control me, but I actually think it's his feelings showing through. I think he doesn't know what he wants, I think that he regrets the breakup sometimes and misses me. I think he messaged me because he is worried about me, he also doesn't know that I am not in the psychiatry anymore. Why should he know anyways?

By the way, I went home over the weekend when I was still in psychiatry and my parents invited me to dinner and we watched a theatre and it was so crazy, but I noticed one of the actors, I thought "Wow he looks pretty cute" and after a short while I realized that he looked so much like my ex, what the hell? I thought that was pretty funny to mention! xD

It feels great being home again, not because my home is so great, but being in psychiatry felt weird, I couldn't sleep well, I didn't have any privacy and time moved so slow. The first week there felt like a month. I really didn't like it there. Most people were nice, but I was also really scared off one patient at my station, he yelled stuff like "Shut up!", he just randomly grabbed my hands, which I already wrote on my last post, and he just made me so uncomfortable. He literally touched another patient on her belly right under her breasts, what the fuck?! So yeah, I really don't miss that place, I feel free again and I am enjoying being home way more.

And also my family's cat Harry is doing much better, he is walking pretty good again, he can climb stairs, jump on my bed and he is his old self again, he is cuddly and supportive. I love this little furred friend. ♡ 

I invited my little brother over yesterday and we all played badminton together, I was kinda sad that my ex wasn't there though, I think he would have enjoyed it a lot. But hanging out with my little brother was great, I am glad that I asked him to visit me. :)

Back to my ex, I have a really strong feeling in my guts, I have that feeling that we will get together again, I don't think it's just hope, I just feel it. I don't want this feeling though and him messaging me like that doesn't help that feeling at all, it only confirms it. I don't want to forget my ex, but I am sick of thinking about him every fucking day. I miss him and I don't want to miss him anymore. This whole breakup doesn't make sense to me, I understand his reasons, even though he probably doesn't really understand them himself, but it just doesn't make sense. I don't mean that we are meant for each other or anything like that, but this deep feeling tells me it's not over. I just want it to stop, I don't want to feel that way! Also I did something probably stupid, I don't know. I tidied my room completely and I thought, why not tidy his room too? I mean I had to seperate our stuff anyways and I was so motivated too. Of course I also want him to feel comfortable when he gets home, he is suffering enough from his mental health, so I tidied his room like he likes it, with labeled and sorted stuff. I also washed his bed sheets and blanket, because he is allergic to cats and the family's cats were lying on his bed before I admit to psychiatry. Why am I like this? He dumped me when I needed him most and I tidy his room, wash his stuff and even vacuumed the carpets? Because I want him to be comfortable? He doesn't even know that yet. I even sorted all his clothes so it looks really clean. Why the fuck am I like this? But I actually had fun doing that and I felt so productive. It felt right doing something for someone who might need it, even if he doesn't want me. I am a bit scared of his reaction, I am scared that he gets angry at me or feels guilty about himself, I don't know. My intention was never to get him back with this, I just want him to get better again. Why do I want that if he seemingly doesn't even care about me? I mean yes, he was the reason why I went to psychiatry, but he literally dumped me on the first day! But I am proud of myself, that I managed to tidy two rooms in a few hours, especially since I am a pretty messy person, but I even sorted and tidied the drawers. I am scared that I did all that for him, so that he gets back to me, I question so much since the breakup, when I make a cute selfie, I question if I did it for him, when I go on a walk, I question if I did it so that he sees how much better I am now. I don't want to question everything I do, I want to do stuff for me, not for him. I am currently on my way to be a better version of myself, but what if I only do that so that he comes back to me? I know this will get better over time, but it just bothers me, like I can't live my life without doing decisions for him. I want to decide for myself.

All in all I am happy though, I still need to find a new job, I am still hurt from the breakup, but wow, I am so fucking strong! So much happened in the past few months, but I am still standing up and allowing myself to be happy! I love myself, I am proud to be me, often when I do something I think to myself "That's just who I am.". I don't punish myself as much for mistakes, because I am learning from them. I tell myself how strong, clever, beautiful, cute, etc. I am and I don't think badly of myself anymore! I am healing, because I am strong! It feels so fucking great to be able to love myself!

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading this post and I wish you all a great day/night as always! Thank you for reading! ♡