moving on

Hey there,

It's been rough in the past few months, I am in a psychiatrie since a few days and my boyfriend left me literally the day I got in. It's just a shitty situation, but I am strong, I will move on. Of course it has been only a few days and I am still sad and wanting him to come back, I am reading dumb "how to get back with your ex" guides that give me false hope. I am grieving and that's okay, I am allowed to grief, I am allowed to be sad and most of all, I am allowed to be thankful, thankful for all the memories we had together, the bad and the good memories. I still love him, guess what? That's okay! It's completely okay that I still love him and I still want to be friends with him, though I am currently trying to keep contact minimal as we both need time for ourselves. I respect him and even though I constantly have the urge to spam him with messages to get him back, I won't do that, I want him to be happy, to heal, to recover and I am pretty sure that he is also hurt from leaving me, even if it might sound ridiculous since he left me. We had a strong connection and of course it won't just disappear like that. I will always value him, what he did for me, what he continues to do for me. I don't want to accept that our relationship had ended, but I don't have to accept that yet, I need to heal from the pain first and I need to heal mentally. Part of me believes that I got more and more mental problems again because something in me knew that this would happen, I cried so much in the past weeks, but that's okay, I am allowed to cry, in fact I allow myself to cry, I allow myself to feel better again, I love myself and it feels great. I am trying to be strong by closing up my feelings, but I am actually strong when I let them through. I am strong, I am lovable and I am beautiful, I am me. Who knows maybe we will get together? But it's also completely alright if we don't, I can be happy without him and I am. Still healing, but also happy, still grieving and sad, but I feel so thankful for everyone. The end of our relationship opened my eyes it motivates me to work on myself, for myself not for him or anyone else. If we never get back together then it was never meant to be, if he never asks me to get back together, that's alright, it doesn't mean that he never loved me and it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love me anymore. We will always like each other, we will always be friends and I am thankful for all this, for everything. I want to improve myself, I changed a lot during our relationship, I changed for the better. I might not have changed physical behaviours, but I changed mentally, I became better and I am striving to be the best version of myself, because I love myself and I deserve to become the person that I want to be. It won't be easy, but it's the way that I want to go. I am still catching myself checking if he still has our profile picture or if he messaged me, I still get hopeful when I see that I got a message even though it's someone else and then I am a bit sad because it wasn't him and that's okay. 

My little brother called me the day after the breakup and I love talking with him, I love having deep conversations with him and I am thankful that he took the time for me, he is always honest with me and treats me with respect, he tells me when I was wrong and doesn't just lie about anything. He sees other perspectives and is just there to listen and share his thoughts and I love listening to him and try to be there for him. I love my little brother. :)

Yesterday my big brother visited me! He brought me 4 books to read when I am bored and we played mini golf together, we then drank milkshakes and of course we talked too. When I visited me, he gave me a big hug and it felt like "Everything is gonna be alright", it felt really comforting. We also hugged each other after he left. Seeing him so understandable, so kind and caring makes me happy, it makes me thankful for having him. I love my big brother. :)

My dad will visit me today and I am excited, he is really good with deep conversations and we share our opinions, our thoughts even if they don't match, we try to see the others perspective on things and I can't wait to talk with him today. I am thankful for him, for accepting me and for being there for me. I love my dad. :)

My mother won't visit me which was my wish, we had a few fights over the past months and I honestly told her that I need space from her as it won't do any good for either of us, she understood and agreed on that. I am thankful that she respects my wish. I love my mom. :)

Everyone is there for me and they didn't even knew that my boyfriend left me, they are there for me because I needed help. And I am so thankful.

My boyfriend helped me to get help, he was genuinely worried about me when I indirectly cried for help. He understood that I need help, he was there for me in my darkest moments and I am thankful for that, yes he left me moments after, but I think it's for the best right now, for both of us. We both need to grow, be both need to reflect on our mistakes and most importantly: we both need to allow ourselves to heal, we need to heal, heal from the breakup, heal from our mental health, heal from our past. It sounds weird especially since I am heartbroken, but I am kinda thankful for the breakup, it gives me focus for myself. Of course I still worry about him and he probably worries about me, I even messaged his mother to ask if he is okay, because my little brother had the thought that he might not be by his parents like he told me, so I just made sure that he was okay without bothering him. His mother actually was very sweet and kind to me, she told me that it is nice that I care so much for him. She understood why I was worried and immediately responded, of course she told him that I messaged her and he replied to that, but that's okay, he can know that I am worried, that I care about him, it's just how I am, it's me. You might be wondering why I still call him my "boyfriend" well for once I haven't moved on yet which is understandable give that it's been a few days, but it also feels wrong, not because I desperately think that he will return, no because I never called him anything else than my boyfriend or partner, it feels unfamiliar calling him something else and ex-boyfriend doesn't sound right. We are still friends after all and I hope we will do things together as friends when we both healed from the breakup, but if not then that's also okay, sad but okay. I used to believe that he is my everything, that I need him, etc. but in reality I don't need him, of course he was and still is the most important person in my life, but he is not everything in my life, I still have a life even without him. And yes part of me wants to hope that he sees this blog post and that he falls again for me, I know it's weird, but it's fine, I am still grieving after all. I keep telling myself that I will wait for him, but let's face reality, I won't wait for him, I will not start a new relationship anytime soon, but not because I am waiting for him. He is not the only person that can be with me, many others could too, I don't believe in the one and only, but I do believe that you can find someone that will have a connection with you stronger than anyone else can, but you can't know who it is. Maybe it's him, maybe it's not. I will learn and move on with the breakup and become better and if he is lucky and I am still single if he wants me back, then I may accept him as my boyfriend again, if I still want to that is. Maybe I will come to the realization that we weren't meant for each other, maybe I don't. It's all a huge mystery and that's what makes life exciting! I won't stop dating other people, I won't stop starting new relationships when he doesn't come back, I will move on. I will not wait for him and I won't chase him, if he wants me back, he needs to be the one to chase me, afterall he is the one that decided that our relationship is over, so he should do the first move, it's only fair. :)

I won't come crying to him coming back to me, I won't plead for him anymore, it's a stupid survival situation instinct and I won't do it anymore, I don't care about stupid human instincts. I will cherish the moments we had, I will always cherish what he did for me, what we were together, nothing will change that. He was there for me, especially in hard times and I was also there for him. He stayed with me while I was having severe depressions, I was ragy and a pure asshole to him, but he stayed, he understood, he held me, he never took it personally, he was by my side the whole time, he was there when I went to therapy, when I went from doctor to doctor to find out what I had, he was there and I thank him for that. I cherish you! And I was there for him too, I searched for a therapist for him, it took 3 months, but I found one, he sometimes got angry at seemingly small things (rarely at me though), it was hard for me, he was in pain and maybe he still is, I was there, I helped him, we were a team together, we helped each other. I lost over 50% of the weight that I want to lose because he motivated me, when I was almost giving up on my diet, he was the one to inspire me, he was strong for both of us (he is also doing the same diet). He motivated me for so much, he motivated me to go on walks or just go out in general when he saw that I really needed that even though I didn't want to, he still motivated me. He never abused me, even though I am to naive to see when someone tries to hurt me, it might sound obvious that he won't abuse me, but I met to many people with wrong intentions. I have many traumas, but he was never one of them, he gave me a reason to trust fully him. He is not a bad apple like other people are and I got a bit stronger standing up for myself even if not by much. 

There is a scene in my head that I might never forget, when my boyfriend was in the first psychiatrie, there was a patient who would randomly go into his room while we were cuddling together, this patient was knows to be grabby especially towards women, he sniffed on my hair, but my boyfriend immediately told him to stop. This moment were the patient sniffed my hair and stepped over my boundaries triggered my traumas, but all those bad thoughts from them were replaced by comfort in that moment, he protected me, because I couldn't stand up for myself, he was a hero for me. He is normally a shy person, but seeing how clearly and seriously he told him to stop was something that I never experienced like that. He protected me, I don't know if he did that because he still loved me at that moment, but the important thing is that he did protect me. He transformed a traumatic experience into a memory that makes me smile, because it was so beautiful and heroic. A man sniffing at my hair might not sound traumatic, but if you have gone through the things I did, you would understand and you would appreciate and cherish my boyfriend a ton for that and I do. I have drawn this scene, because it makes me happy, it makes me feel comfortable when I think about it, it's emotional and strong and this situation has every right to be drawn. It might have been a small thing for him to do, I don't know, but it was a really big gesture for me. 

This is the drawing of that situation (made with alcohol markers):

If we come back together, I want to cherish him more, I want to be more grateful and I want to show him that. I have so much love to give, for me, for my family and for him and I want to give love even if I get hurt sometimes. If we couldn't lose our loved ones, we probably wouldn't love them as much. I mean why trying to be a good partner if the other couldn't leave you, who cares right? That's why we learn and grow, why we improve ourselves, because we can lose everything in a second. I want to learn how to cherish and appreciate more.

I read a metaphor and it really got me thinking: A man is standing at the train station, the train waits for him and will start driving as soon as he enters it, so he goes around, explores, etc. the man has all the time he wants to enter the train, so why should he even bother to enter the train?

If things don't leave why should we even bother to do anything? But things aren't forever and that's a good. A breakup is painful because it can happen, nothing is forever in our lives. Even if you are in a stable relationship, your partner could die or you just thought that everything is alright, because your happiness with them blinded you from the truth.

So as I am still in psychiatrie, I am using the time to get better for myself, to heal, to improve to live a happier life again and you know what? I am happy! Unfortunately I will not get any therapy for more than a week and I am not even sure if I will get it the week after, we will see or I leave first, which would be fine because I will have a psychiatrist when I leave the psychiatry. I mean I can also be bored at home, I don't need to be in a hospital for that. ᵔ⩊ᵔ" 

I truly miss my boyfriend and I worry about him, I want him to be happy, I want him to have a great life with or without me. He felt like home to me and now I am homesick, he will always be a home for me in my memories though. I will probably need a lot of time to move on and so be it, I was happy while our relationship lasted and I am happy now too. Happy that it happened, happy that I was so much loved by someone, happy that I got to love someone in return, happy to have had someone by my side, happy to trust someone so deeply, happy that I have people who care about me, I know that he still cares about me and it feels awesome, but even if he doesn't anymore I will always have someone who cares about me, myself and I am just happy. :)

Thanks for reading, I hope you all will have a great time!