doing better!

Hey there! ^•⩊•^ ⍝ 

A few days ago, it was on Monday, I just wanted some company, but what I didn't knew is that I wanted him, I just didn't saw that at that time. Of course my primitive monkey brain asked my ex if we could play some games together, yes you read that right, I wrote "ex", I have completely accepted the breakup now. I thought to myself "That's fine, we are friends, I just want to be friends", the breakup was only a few days ago by that point so I wanted him back of course, but I told myself that I just wanted company and that's it. He agreed to meet (we are still both in psychiatrie by the way) and we were walking, playing billiard, playing table tennis, eating at a cafe and playing board games. It felt like a date and I felt that spark like I was in love again, but I was still in love with him. So after we met I talked with my little brother and he told me that I need to draw a line, because I started to regret the meet-up. So I called my ex and told him that we couldn't be friends yet as I still have feelings for him. I felt miserable that evening and on the next day too. My sleep was really bad and it felt like my whole progress went back. I just wanted him back, I just wanted us to touch our hands while playing board games, I just wanted him to kiss me. It was such a bad idea to ask him to meet up to play games together, it felt real, but it wasn't real, he didn't magically wanted me back. 

Soo on Tuesday he asked me if I wanted to play games with him and other patients and I did such a difficult thing, it felt like the most difficult thing that I ever did at that moment. I wrote no, that we need space for each other and that's basically it, I wanted to return to no-contact. 

I had a lot of thoughts, I wanted to tell him how unbalanced our relationship was months before the breakup, how much I gave and how little I got back, I wanted him to realize that he treated me badly. He just pushed a lot of difficult tasks to me, because he wasn't doing good mentally and I just accepted them without thinking. But guess what? I was doing terrible too! I almost lost him and I don't mean breakup, I mean death, he almost died. I lost my job, my car was broken, my parents cat got worse again, my mother and I had fights, I was doing bad and he honestly treated me like I was just there for him. I had to do so much alone, because he wasn't doing good, though he completely forgot that I have problems too. That was my "angry" phase, I just thought about all the bad stuff that happened recently between us and how he just dropped me by breaking up while I sacrificed so much for him. I wanted to draw a line, I wanted to set my boundaries, he often flees when situations are to much for him and I was scared that he would drop me again, when I wasn't doing good, when we were friends. I don't want to be friends with him anymore and I don't want him back as my partner either unless he would show me that he wants to work on himself, so that he wouldn't just run away again when things get difficult.

Sooo, Yesterday (Thursday) I had a pretty long talk with my ex about all of that stuff above and I was able to finally say everything what I wanted to say, since I began to see everything more clearly. In the beginning everything went great, but of course my emotions came over me and I started crying, he offered me a hug which I accepted of course and we hugged a lot, but my emotional brain thought that it's a sign that he wants me back, so I became very pushy to him to the point that he felt really uncomfortable and I apologized after the talk via text. I was begging him to take me back basically and it was not okay that I was so pushy, I stepped over his boundaries. He accepted my apology and I am really thankful that he did. He also apologized because he couldn't be the man that I wished him to be and that felt so sad, he didn't need to apologize for that. He also said that if the talk helped me than it was worth it, even though he felt so uncomfortable. I really thought that this whole situation would punch me in the face like when we met up to play games, but no, that didn't happen. The whole talk actually felt like a goodbye and I kinda felt freed, so yeah it helped me a lot. I don't regret that I met up with him to talk. I feel like moving forward again! I constantly had the need to have that talk with him, because I just had to let it all out. Actually I made great progress the last few days, I changed my profile pictures, about me, wallpaper, etc. I feel better. :)

Today (Friday) I took a long walk, I walked for 2 hours which is a lot for me. I bought some cool things like play dough, jellybeans, a smoothie, berries, an awesome looking notepad to write my thoughts into or just draw my thoughts and I think that was everything I bought. It was an exhausting walk, in fact it was so exhausting that I just fell asleep at afternoon and I slept so deep like I haven't slept for days. But despite that, I really enjoyed it, I listened to upbeat nintendo music (I actually listen to it right now too) and it felt great! I will go home over the weekend and I will return back to the psychiatrie at Sunday evening if everything goes right, I am scared that my mother and I will have fights and I am a bit sad that I shouldn't sleep in my ex's bed. It was our bed and I slept there for years, it will feel wrong to sleep in my old bed again, even though I am already sleeping in a different bed. My ex won't go home for the weekend (we still live together at my parents house) in case you were wondering. I told him that I wouldn't contact him again, but of course we will probably meet at home or at the psychiatrie and we will need to talk with each other when he moves out as a lot of boxes have mixed stuff in them that belong to both of us and we need to decide what the other can keep, etc. Of course we also need to do other things together that we can't prevent. So yeah that might be difficult, but who knows maybe it will be easy for us both and nobody feels bad afterwards, I don't know. 

I am doing pretty alright since the talk and I just feel free from everything that I carried in my thoughts and also before we had that talk, a patient from my station triggered my PTSD which I haven't told my ex about, but him asking me if I want a hug felt much more impactful, it gave me a "everything will be alright" feeling a sense of security and I am kinda confused that I didn't get negative backlash from that. I still miss him, yes, but I don't feel miserable like when we played games together. I really feel like, I don't need him, I don't need anybody but myself and I can think about a potential future with another partner too. I definitely want a partner again, but I don't need one to be happy. :)

I need to focus on myself and heal from all the things that happened. I am healing, I am starting to enjoy life again, I am doing things on my own and it feels great. I don't need anyone to spend time with me, I can spend time with myself. Today I had this feeling that I am really pretty, which I am and it makes me happy that I appreciate that on myself. I played games with other patients and that was nice. I am tired right now and I hope I can sleep well, I need my energy to visit home for the weekend.

I think that's all I wanted to write about today, I hope you all have a great day/night and thank you for reading! ♡