A lot happened (trigger warning: suicide, depressions, animal abuse)

Hey there.

I know it's been a good while since my last blog, but there was just to much going on in my life, there still is actually. Where do I even start? I will get the negative things out of the way first, because they hit hard. 

Someone who is really important to me, my boyfriend, tried to kill himself multiple times at one day, he decided to tell me on the same evening (it was on a Friday after work), I bursted out into tears, I had severe panic attacks, he was worried that I would be angry at him, but I was just sad for him, I almost lost him, his attempts got really close, but something in him stopped himself to go further. We decided to call the suicide hotline the next day and I told him if he wouldn't call by the end of the day, I would call for him. He eventually called by himself and the suicide hotline sent the emergency doctor, which then sent the police. The police brought him into a closed psychiatry and he stayed there for like 3 weeks, but the psychiatry didn't do anything to help him, sure there were group therapies, but they were just about playing board games together. He got released, but didn't feel any better, he was doing alright inside the psychiatry, but his mental problems increased again after he got home. He didn't want to go to therapy again (he went to therapy for like half a year, but it didn't help him and now he things that therapy overall wouldn't help him), he lost hope to everything, he always said stuff like, if that doesn't work, than I don't know what to do else. This all happened 2 months ago and last week, he wanted to kill himself again, but he messaged me because he just couldn't do it, he was standing at the edge of a really high bridge. He told me that he would go to a mental hospital, but I was to worried and I called the police. When he was driving home (the bridge was 1.5 hours away), I told him that I called the police, because I didn't wanted him to be scared when he sees the police standing there. He lied to me all day, so how could I trust him, that he would go to a mental hospital by himself? I felt bad for calling the police on him, but I just didn't knew what to do, of course it was risky to tell him that the police would wait for him when he got home, but it felt like betraying him if I hadn't told him. While he was driving home, I was in a call with him the whole time, because I was just so worried. He arrived at home and the police took him to a closed psychiatry again (a different one than the last one). He was there for a few days, but then they moved him to an open one. I was worried at first, because it meant that he could just go outside whenever he wanted, alone. The closed psychiatry wasn't able to give him therapy either, that's why he got moved to an open psychiatry. He is still there, but he now gets the help that he needs, actual therapy, finally. He told me that he is doing good there and I am happy for him. I visited him a few days ago and only then did I realize how much I missed him, but I just want him to get better, even if it means that I have to be without him for a while.

Now I will write about one of the many other things that happened. I actually got a job at November and I was so proud at myself, it was a lot of fun too at first. I worked at a discounter store for garden and home and I worked mainly at the cash register, which I liked, I had to stand there which meant standing for 8 hours per day, but I was still able to do it. Then it got colder and the heating was broken in that store for years, the temperature was under 13°C (55.4°F) and I got a really bad flu so I had to stay home for a week, but since the heating was still broken, I got sick again, so while I was at work I asked my boss if I could go home, because I had fever the day before and he said no, because I was called in sick not long ago and we all had to go through that. Yes everyone had a cold, but I was the only one who had to work at the cash register which is next to the entrance, so I got a lot of draft, the other coworkers all just had a runny nose, I had dry cough, fever, dizziness, stomach pain, etc. I had a stomach flu and even the customers told me to go to bed as I could barely think straight or even stand without pain. The next day (Friday), I woke up and had to threw up multiple times, it was also the day when my boyfriend tried to kill himself, so he tried to talk into me that I should go to work or they would fire me, so that he could carry out his plan. So I went to work and you already know what happened next. After that awful evening, I couldn't just go to work, so I called in sick, I also threw up again at night. So I was off work again for a week or so and I also had to move out of our apartment at the end of next week, because the rent was getting to high. After all the moving stress and after I recovered from the flu I went back to work, we moved in with my parents which was a little bit closer to work, so I didn't had to pay petrol for a 100km (62 miles) drive per day, but it was still over 80km (50 miles) per day, which was still better though. I got a new boss because the other one was only temporary and the new boss actually fixed the heating and I was finally able to fully recover from the flu, by the way I was sick for like 2-3 months as I wasn't able to fully recover. But now I was able to recover from the flu finally, but of course something bad had to happen again. So one day it was a super stressful day, a ton of customers were there and we even had to open a second cash register multiple times that day and while I took my break, my cash register had a technical issue while my coworker was using it, so when I came back from break, I had to use the other cash register for a bit, which was fine for me. Before I can tell further, I have to explain something: We all have numbers, so everyone had their own number, with this number you sign in to the cash register, your number is also assigned to your name. But the first number that signed in to a cash register had to be used the whole day or "the billing would take longer" at evening. So if the first cash register was signed in with my number, then every other coworker that used it had to use my number, even though everyone had their own number. Remember this because this will be important. So at that stressful day, I was at the cash register of my coworker, with his number, it was only for half an hour maybe, until my cash register was fixed again by restarting. And in the evening at the billing, the cash register of my coworker had a cash difference of 100€ (around 108$), but since I was at that cash register too, I was asked to pay half of that difference and my coworker had to pay the other half, so 50/50. My coworker paid the full 100€ to my boss for some reason and told me that I should just pay him the rest later, which my boss confirmed. I googled if it is even legal that my boss demanded that we paid the difference and it was not legal, so I told my coworker, since he paid the full amount and I told him that he should talk to our boss so that he gets his money back. I haven't paid him the 50€ back and I wasn't planning to pay anymore. For reference the law says that I only have to pay the cash difference if I grossly negligent or if I had done it with intent, my boss would need proof though, but he didn't had any proof for anything, because I wasn't grossly negligent or did it with intent. I would have paid if it would be fine by the law that my boss demanded that from us, but since it wasn't, I just didn't pay. I was sorry for my coworker, but he decided to pay the whole 100€ and ask me for the other half later, it wasn't my decision and I wasn't even aware, since my boss came to me after that to tell me that my coworker paid already. I felt like an asshole, I would have helped my coworker if he would have wanted to talk with my boss. Anyways, that was the first high cash difference, the next one happened shortly after, at another stressful day. But this time it happened on my cash register with my number signed in to it. Of course other coworkers used it too, but since the whole system is stupid with the numbers, I was the only number at that cash register. There was a huge technical difficulty happening right now and my cash register even shut down the terminal while a customer was paying, I called my coworker over and there was a message at my cash register "Was the transaction successful? Yes or No?" and my coworker just pressed yes without confirming that the payment went through. I don't know anymore what amount the customer had to pay when the technical error happened, but I had a cash difference of 88€ (96$) on that day, which my coworker showed me by giving me a copy of the billing. Of course my boss demanded that I pay the full amount, even though I wasn't the only one who used that cash register. I said told him something like "I won't pay for it, because it was against the law and I will pay it if he can proof that I was grossly negligent or did it with intent", he accepted that but shortly after another 100€ were missing, but this time nobody gave me a copy of the billing, I was just told that there was another difference without proof, of course I stood my ground and I didn't pay and well, I got fired 2 weeks ago and since I was still in probationary period, my boss was able to fire me without giving any reason, when I asked he just said "without reason for termination". My customers were happy around me and even praised me on multiple occasions for my friendliness and humor, so I don't think I was fired because of bad work, I think it was because I was the only employee that didn't pay cash differences and my boss probably thought that I was stealing money, I don't know. Now comes a really big red flag: There must always be two people in store at the evening while one of us did the billing, I wasn't allowed to do the billing, because only coworkers higher than me were allowed to do that. So one day I sat next to my coworker who did the billing and boom another 100€ difference, because of that she counted the money in the safe and she concluded that she must have made a mistake when she gave me change earlier that day. So after she counted the safe, everything was fine, but if she hadn't counted the safe, I would be responsible for the cash difference again. And also they are using a scale to count the money and if a huge cash difference comes up, they just weight it again instead of counting it by hand, but the safe was counted by hand, why? Just a theory, but if I had stolen the money, which they never accused to, but I wouldn't be so stupid and steal from a cash register with my own number, I often have to use other cash registers too, so I would have just stolen from another number than mine, I would target a specific coworker or else it would be suspicious. It is very unlikely that I accidentally did such high differences and it would be just plain stupid if I had stolen it from my own number, so I don't think all the differences were my fault, especially after seeing that my coworker did a mistake herself. Of course it happened with my number at my cash register, but I was mostly the only one who worked at the cash register while the others stocked shelves. I got my change from my coworkers, so if they do a mistake there, it would come to me. If they don't fill my cash register to 500€ change at the morning, then I would get the blame too and I am not allowed to give myself change either. This whole thing is just stupid and I am glad that I don't have to work there anymore, I actually wanted to quit after finding a new job, but I got fired before I was able to find a new job. So yeah, I am unemployed again, after working there for over 4 months. I am worried that I can't find a job in time, before my money runs out...

Onto the next big thing that happened: My car had a major problem and needed repair, I wasn't able to drive anymore, because of multiple problems. This happened 2-3 weeks ago, as I was driving to work my car suddenly made really weird sounds and I could barely drive and there was an orange warning symbol flashing and I thought it was my motor, so I stopped and called my boss to inform him that I can't come to work right now because of my car. I drove my car to a car workshop and they made some hot fixes, but it still didn't work, they told me that the repair cost would be over 1.800€ (1.937$) which is slightly more than what I paid for this car when I got it. I didn't had the money, I left it at the workshop and walked a few kilometers by foot to get to work. I arrived 3 hours late, but I worked overtime to make up for it. A few days later, my car got towed to a different workshop (I used my boyfriends car to get to work) and they only charged under 400€ (430$) for the whole repair and my car now works again! I was really sad at the thought that I had to give up my first ever car, I really love this car, I had it for over 3 years now and I am so happy that it got fixed. My father actually told me that he would buy me a car for under 2.000€ so that I could drive to work, but he wouldn't have paid the 1.800€ for the repair as it would have been dumb to pay more than its original price. I am just happy that my car was saved in the end, huuuuge shoutout to my amazing boyfriend who lend me his car and for being a massive help even though he was going through a hard time himself and still is.

Next story: My boyfriend and I moved in with my parents as we couldn't get a new apartment in time, my boyfriend secretly planned his suicide since months and he wouldn't help me to find a new home for us, which was okay for me, I was more than willing to do the whole work, as I knew that he wasn't doing good mentally. He didn't want me to find a new home, he planned that we moved in with my parents so that I wouldn't be alone, when his suicide attempt would have been successful... He didn't want to leave me alone to pay rent for 2 people if I had found a new apartment for us. He went to the closed psychiatry a few days before we had to move, so I had to do most things alone, but my parents helped me, especially my dad and 2 friends of him. I am so thankful, they were there for me, when I needed them the most, they gave us shelter and I am still living with them, it doesn't go always smoothly with my mom, but it's definitely better than living on the street, even though the rent is pretty high for what it is, but it's low enough that I can pay for it.

Last one: My parents have a cat, his name is Harry, I love Harry, he is such a sweet, loving cat. He was the only one that I missed when I moved out 3 years ago (We adopted him 4.5 years ago). He is so cuddly and cute, he loves being kissed on his forehead and he always purrs when I pick him up. But unfortunately, he is paralyzed at his hind legs, it first started before we even adopted him, but we didn't for much info about that only "He had some kind of injury on his hind leg" that was is, we thought he had a broken bone or something like that, but a year ago, it happened again, but he was fine again after a few weeks, but this time, he has is again for months now. And it's worse than ever, the doctors say that he may have a neurologic issue. He drags his hind legs along when walking and he got really bad wounds because of that, the wounds were so bad that there was a hole so deep, you could see the bones. This happened on both hind legs and he got stitched up, his wounds are much better now, but he has an infection too, his right hind leg was really swollen, like 3 times bigger, he had fever a few days ago because of that and we even thought that we could lose him. But he is better again, the swelling got better and he doesn't have fever anymore or at least very low fever. He is active again and just as I know him and I am happy that I can be there for him. But my mom... she was giving up on him, because she was angry at him, he had diarrhea and just missed the litter box, so my mom had to clean it up and she even talked about euthanizing him. She always says that she just wants the best for him, but she wanted to euthanize him to "spare him the pain". She was seemingly scared that he might die, but she didn't even call the emergency vet. She forced cuddled with him and even put half her weight on him while he was breathing heavily, because she is pretty heavy and he is just a small cat, I even told her that he has difficulty breathing and she still stayed on him. She told me to cuddle him even if he doesn't want to, because "he should know that he is loved", no that's not love, love is to leave him alone when he wants to be alone. He was super weak because of the fever and couldn't defend himself when my mother held him down and force cuddled with him... Poor Harry. I got into a fight with my mother because she talked about euthanizing him and I told her that we should bring him to the vet and the vet should tell us if he can make it or not. I want the best for Harry, I don't want him to suffer if he can't have a healthy future again, but a mother wouldn't kill her baby because it's sick and it should be the same with a beloved pet. Of course I would rather end his suffering if he is deemed to die painfully to his sickness. But if there is a chance that he can have a beautiful life, I will take it. And yesterday I was furious, Harry always has to wear bandages on his hind legs or he would get an infection again, we changed the bandage every day, but yesterday morning my mother saw him with one missing bandage, his left foot was completely exposed, she wrote a message at 8am in our WhatsApp group that his bandage fell off and that's all she wrote and she sent photos of his naked leg. So everyone, including me, thought that my mother put on a new bandage, but when I went down at noon to care for Harry and to eat something I noticed that he was still missing the bandage, so I picked him up (so that his wound won't get infected anymore), cleaned his his wound (he was bleeding because he dragged the exposed foot on the ground, that's exactly why he needs the bandages!!) and put on a new bandage. My mother didn't put a bandage around and just left him as he was for 4 hours!? She had the time to do that or she could have called me or wrote in the family group that someone should put him a new bandage on, but no she didn't do anything of that, she just ignored it, she was even near Harry and saw that he still didn't had his bandage on before I came. WHAT!? She claims she cares about him, that she loves him, that she wants the best for him, but she risks that Harry gets a huge infection and fever again because she was to lazy to put on a new bandage? And she didn't tell anyone that she didn't put on a new bandage? We all thought that she did! I would have came immediately if I had known, because it could literally kill him!! How can someone claim that they love someone, but then does nothing when that someone needs them, how the fuck is to lazy to help a loved one in a life and death situation!? What the fuck!! I did not want to start another fight with her, so I calmly told her that she can wake me up if that happens again and I will take care of it, even if she has the time to do it. She doesn't have any reason to be so selfish if she actually would love Harry as she has told me. My mother had always tortured animals, she hit them when they behaved "bad", like peeing on a carpet even if they were locked up in a room without a litter box. She even shaked a hamster from my brother inside the hamsters coconut house because she bit my mother lightly. What the fuck!? She was always aggressive towards animals and then wondered why they loved others more than her. I also abused animals when I was a kid, I haven't learned that it's wrong, my mother literally hit me too very very often when I was little. I am still ashamed that I hurt loved pets and when I realized how wrong that is, I stopped. I grew out of it. My mother doesn't directly hit our pets anymore, after I had to "teach" her that it doesn't make a pet behave better it makes it worse, but she still throws shoes at their head when they misbehave or scream at them loudly. I just can't believe that she said that I was selfish for not giving up on Harry when she doesn't take care of him or at least tells me to take care, just because of pure laziness and the fact that she does not care about him, she probably just claimed that to seem empathetic. 

My mother has always been emotionally and physically abusing towards me, she always manipulated me and still tries to do that, but when it comes to Harry, I am standing my ground! She would fight with me when I didn't behave and scream at me for so long until I was crying and then she knew that she broke me, she could control me when I was crying and she knew that exactly, she always tried to bring me to that point, so that I would apologize and do everything she wanted from me. I learned eventually to run away from her when I was almost at that breaking point again, so that she couldn't manipulate me. I only noticed how wrong that was from her, when I my therapist told me over a year ago. I hate that I am living with her again, but at least I can be there for Harry. Speaking of pets: I always wanted a dog and of course my mother wouldn't allow me one. I wanted a dog as a friend, because I didn't had any friends and I still don't have any, besides my boyfriend. I wanted someone who loved me for who I were, having a dog is still my dream and I will fulfill it one day. It has always been my dream and my mother knew that. One Christmas we opened all our presents and I just opened a small present and was excited, I just love giving and receiving gifts. The present was a small notebook with a dog design printed on it and my mother wrote a small note on the front "Here is your dog", I was absolutely broken and almost started to cry. Why would she do that? I wanted a dog since I was little, it was my biggest dream when I was a kid and she did that just to humiliate me, I was speechless, I haven't talked with her about that ever since, she never apologized and it still haunts me, how could a mother do something like that?

Well... it was a really tough time and it's not over, I am feeling my depressions coming back again, but I am happy that my boyfriend is getting help, I wish I could help him, I wish I could just take his suffering. I started a 30 Days pixel art challenge and drew my third artwork today! It's fun, even though I am drawing on my phone, but I am really proud of the results. I got the challenge from ChatGPT by the way, I might post all my pictures at the end of the challenge, but for now I hope you enjoy the first 3:

Day 1: Apple

Day 2: Mushroom

Day 3: Cloud

I am so happy and proud how these came out! :D

I started watching videos were people do good things for others and it makes me happier, it helps me with my current situation. I can't wait until I can be with my boyfriend again, I might visit him tomorrow if he wants and maybe bring a little gift bag for him. The visit times are from 2-7 pm which is shorter than the other psychiatry, but it's still alright. The psychiatry is almost 80km (50 miles) away which is crazy, but it's alright, at least I get to see him! :3

Aaaand I officially lost over 27kg (60 pounds), only less than 28kg (62 pounds) to go to reach my goal weight!

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you have a great day/night! ♡