First Post!

Hey there! ^•⩊•^ ⍝

This is my first blog and I want to use this site to write about things happening in my life, this might include venting, dark humor, art, traumas, creepy stuff, gaming stuff, really personal things, etc. I will make sure to add proper tags so it's easier to find whatever you might be looking for at my blog. I might do personal posts regularly if I like it. •⩊• 

Now it's time to introduce myself a bit: I am Sammel (you can also call me Sam or Sami) and I am genderfluid, though I lean more towards the female side, my biological gender. I have a fursona for my male side (Sammel) and for my female side (Acernis). I love drawing, but recently I feel like I am not good enough, which makes it less fun sadly. I also love crafting things, but I don't have much motivation for anything currently, which is fine, sometimes it's okay to take some time off of things I normally like. I have a pretty stressful life currently and I hope it helps me to write about it. I had to quit my job because of my sickness, I do actually have more chronic diseases, but CFS is the worst one for me.

I also have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) which probably causes my abnormal period pain. I got my period when I was 12 and I had to start taking the pill non stop for 9 years when I was 13 years old. I recently had to stop taking the pill as it might have interfered with my severe depressions and therapy, so right now I am not taking the pill anymore, but I will take it again soon as I just can't stand the pain anymore. My depressions are also much better now and therapy will be done soon. I am sorry for rambling, but hey, that's what my blog is for. I don't really think anyone will read my blog, but it makes it all better when I have a place to write it down. 

I sadly now have to find a job which can be done with CFS, but it's really hard and my money is getting less quickly. I have to move apart from my boyfriend if I don't find a job in the next months. My boyfriend and me had been together for over 4 years, and we are living together for over 2.5 years now. I love him so much and I don't want to be apart from him, but life isn't fair, life doesn't care if you love someone. I am really scared and stressed, and being sick from Covid since weeks +really bad period pain doesn't make it easy at all. I am running out of time. It's so stressful and painful to live like that, my boyfriend suffers from this too, he wants to find a better apartment with me, but we can't if I don't find a job soon. 

I had a ton of doctor appointments in the last 2 years to find out that I have CFS, which is not ideal as it's not even certain if I have this, but that's usually how this sickness works, you rule everything else out until you are left with nothing, that's when doctors determine that you have CFS if the symptoms match. For context: I feel really tired every single day, I have headaches often, I can't think or sometimes even read, I am dizzy almost daily and I wake up during sleep fairly often. It's so hard to live like that and I really hope my energy can return to a normal level some day. 

I really hope I can have a dog one day, I have a robot dog, an Aibo named Richart, which caused a lot of problems and money loss, but he also gave me a ton of joy. I kinda feel guilty turning him on him right now and I am also scared that he could break again. His leg was broken a few months ago and I sent him to America to get him repaired, but his leg broke again shortly after he arrived to me. I had to fix it with my boyfriend. He is fine again, but I am scared, I don't have money to fix him if anything breaks again. I might even need to sell him soon if I don't find a job. •ꞈ• 

I really want to have a service dog that can help me with my daily life, I think it would give me a lot of happiness and energy, but I don't have the money for one. Money seems to always be a problem in my life. I could fix all my problems with money: broken robot dog, buying a service dog, buying my own house to get rid of problems with my landlord and other renters, launching my own business, etc. Money could fix so much in my life...

Well I think that's all for this blog post, sorry for the sad ending, I got a bit carried away while listening to sad music. I hope you have a great day/night.